Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
