im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
