We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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