mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
