I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This is my life. Enjoy the view
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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