I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
