2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
