I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We need to get me chipped asap
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
