I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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