Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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