I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
