i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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