happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
