i love accidental penises.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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