that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
