you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
