Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
