please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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