From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
