dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
