Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
