i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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