Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
