When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
