Can i not drive my cunt home
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
