i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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