Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There r osticjed everywhere
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
