The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
