...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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