i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
