Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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