I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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