At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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