I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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