Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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