dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
