i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
