a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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