the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
