I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
