And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i now understand why vodka
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
