i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
