and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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