don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
