I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
