i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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