remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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