you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize