Someone shit on the floor
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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