I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
