Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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