I could have mohawked her pubes.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
