GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
