my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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