Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
