The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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