new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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