if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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